Four innocent words that when placed one after the other, in that order, could drive the hell out of me every freaking time. Those words only bring to mind one person, and that would be YOU.
I was staring at the ceiling, drowning myself with one random thought after another when I got a text message with a tempting and on-the-spot offer from a close friend. I’m not known for being spontaneous, but that very second I knew I had to say yes.
This invite triggered a what-could-have-been: a guy, not so long ago, offered to fly me somewhere, too. This does not necessarily mean that Mr I’ll Fly You Here had romantic feelings for me. He was a friend –a part of my childhood whom I secretly (or maybe not so-secretly) liked. Did he even like me? I never had the guts to ask so I would never know. But I think it does not matter. I made my choice, and I have to live (and eventually, die) with it.
The offer came at a moment when I had to choose between doing the right thing which then meant turning the offer down, or doing what I wanted/needed and be branded a cheater.
Declining his I’ll-fly-you-here offer was something I told myself I should never regret. But for years now, I have been a prisoner of that right decision –that one which broke me into pieces.
For once I did what my brain and conscience approved of, but that made me question (and will always make me ask) if doing the right thing is always the best option. I chose what was right over what would make me happy. Does this make me a fool?
Maybe putting this into words will finally mark an end to the nonsense-brain racking-depressing-mindboggling-torture I’ve been punishing myself with.
Yes, I’m finally putting it on record.
I liked you. Maybe even loved you, I’m not sure. What I’m certain is, these feelings I have for you resonate from somewhere deep, a place I could not fathom. They are so strong, they overwhelm me. My memories of you make me either smile or turn me into an overflowing bag of tears.
There is this voice inside my head saying our paths were intertwined from the very start. We were destined to share memories and make each other feel special sometime somehow, but we were never meant to be together.
I liked you, and somewhere deep inside, I know I always will. There. I said it (or wrote it).
More than enough tears were shed for you and for that one chance I let pass. I never had you, I never will. And like any chapter, this too, must end.
Today, I write 30 for all my what-ifs; that it-could-have-been is now officially an it-will-never-be.
Next chapter, please.